Reasons to Buy Ol' Blue Balls
or any Red Peters CD

Ball Bag Records
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  1. Makes a wonderful gift. (A must for bridal showers and stag parties.)
  2. The perfect gift for the hard of hearing.
  3. Its better than doing crack.
  4. It's OK to be stupid ... it's good cheap fun.
  5. Helps stop the spread of communism.
  6. An excuse to say the words, "I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies" to a stranger.
  7. Cats and dogs seem to love it.
  8. Only 50,000 more sales and Red wil be able to afford "the procedure".
  9. Great sound track for foreplay or pocket pool.
  10. The liner notes are fun to read, and help relieve tension.
  11. A great marital aid
  12. Excellent with headphones.
  13. You can learn to sing and swear in a foreign language ("Italian Polka")
  14. 'Cause if you have a vasectomy, there is no better song to listen to than "Oggie, The Doggie Bag Slicer". (thanks to Jack Atkins)
  15. If a lot of people buy the album, then Tom Bernard's weenie will shrivel up and fall off. (thanks to Tommy)
  16. The music gives you a stiffy. (thanks to Virginia)
  17. Because it's both romantic AND dirty! (thanks to Tim C.)
  18. It's better than a sharp stick in the eye.
    -It doesn't suck. (thanks to Andy D.)
  19. It's not quite as nice as having your nuts chewed off by a Laplander, but it's close. (thanks to James L., Thousand Oaks, CA)
  20. Your dog will love it and it's great for parties. (thanks to Bill S., Millstone, NJ)
  21. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fudge your undies! (thanks to Kevin F., Holland, MI)
  22. One size fits all and it's ribbed/grooved for her pleasure. (thanks to J. Cole, Montgomery, IL)
  23. I laffed so hard my artificial nose fell off. (thanks to M. Jackson, Los Angeles, CA)
  24. It will last for years. (thanks to A. Glumke, Rochester, NY)
  25. It's better than your book "The God of Small Things". (thanks to Chris S., Scottsdale, AZ)
  26. It is one of the good things in life that lasts more than 30 seconds. (thanks to Jason A., Walker Springs, AL)
  27. The kids working at the Red Peters CD sweatshop need to get their 4 cent monthly paycheck somehow.
    -How else can so little money make so many people happy?
    -Before people bought his CD, little Molly here didn't even own a pair of shoes...
    -The neighbors will invite you over for tea and crumpets when they find out about your good taste.
    -Nothing says lovin' like squashin' off a yule log and roastnuts chestin' on an open fire.
    -Because Abe Vigoda wants it that way.
    -Let's face it. You'd be happier with a copy of Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet".
    -My AK-47 says you wanna buy it. Understand?
    -Everyone loves toilet humor.
    -Well, *I* wouldn't buy it, but that's just because my IQ is above 65. You can feel free to buy 6 copies though. (thanks to Randy W., Hebron, CT)
  28. Red Peters is the Lord of The Pants! (thanks to Anne M., Bellingham, WA)
  29. Because it's better than getting your nuts caught in a combine. (thanks to Bob O., Franklin, TN)
  30. Cause without I would never have gotten laid by the ladies! Crazy Jay, Stanton, CA
  31. Because my old Red Peters CD has "Stains" on it! Troy H., Sellersville,PA
  32. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed... until I stopped. Bob B., Mississauga (Toronto) Canada
  33. If you're single it's better than sex 'cause you're not getting any anyway. Joe Z., Westland, MI
  34. It's better than being ass-raped in prison by a fat guy named Tiny. Carl C., Port Orange FL
  35. Red weighs 150 pounds, with 75 pound testicles. He's half nuts!! Joe B., Scranton, PA
  36. Way too funny! Al C., Ashland, MA
  37. Because it makes you laugh your nuts off! One nutless fan. Ron
  38. Cause a Red Peters CD is like a sore can't beat it! Mike K., Dayton NJ
  39. Red is the the Cole Porter of smut! Who the hell should have to go to Chaucer or Shakespeare for clever innuendo, when there is Red Peters?? (Note: Some people may still ask you to recite what you have learned!) Paul, Toronto
  40. Because of this CD I now have a dog named Stains and all my neighbors hate me.....there's just something they dont like about me hollaring "COME STAINS" out my back door 25 times a day....go figure? Andy J., Indianapolis IN
  41. Because Red D. the fu fu funniest god damn ball hair scrodum licker ..person on the here is red to suuck, sing our national anthem.... dustin b., greenwood IN

Can you think of a better reason? Send e-mail and if Red likes it, we'll add it to the list and send you a big ten-inch bumper sticker! Be sure to include your mailing address!

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