by John Milton
(reprinted from SCREW Magazine #1415 April 15, 1996; page 17)
You'll get an ear infection listening to Red Peters' cornball songs, but that's to be expected from an album titled I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies.
Weak voiced Peters wants to be the Michael Fierstein of porn (like Chinga Chavin tries to be the Merle Haggard of porn), so he puts on a lame '50s voice to croon ballads loaded with dopey bathroom lyrics. He actually sings, "You Promised the moon but I preferred Uranus? The stars must be right 'cause Uranus looks good tonite."
The world of dumb double-entendre songs doesn't need another coy piece like "How's Your Whole...Family?" Yes, every time Peters unctously oozes a suggestive line, it's "saved" with an innocuous final word or two. The result is extreme unction:"How's your dic . . . tation ?" "take your pants down . . . to the cleaners today." "Won't you do my as. . .trological chart?" "Suck on a stiff cock. . .tail."
Here's a song that didn't take long to write: "When I'm all alone and I'm by my self, and there's no one lying next to me/When I'm all alone and I'm by myself, Little Peter keeps me company." Jeez, where's Kip Adotta when you need him ? Red Peters and his narrow vocal range are only for the pathetic few that are too old for Dr. Demento and too young for Howard Stern.
For more info, contact Ugly Sisters Records, P.O. Box 187, Somerville, MA 02143
Obviously, you don't know anything about music, you incompetent douchebag. Let's face it, you need help. You can't sing and you're jealous of my voice. And furthermore, if I didn't have my good pants on, I'd kick your fat ass.
P.S. Did I leave my underpants in your car last night?
What do you think of the SCREW review? Do you think the reviewer's head is up his own ass? E-mail me here at my website or send your comments to the author at...
Milky Way Productions
P.O. Box 432
Old Chelsea Station
New York, NY 10113
If I reprint your comments on a future web update, I'll send you a free RED PETERS RULES bumper sticker!