Letter To Fans October 2004

My Fellow Redheads

It’s been a long time since I addressed you last. I’ve been getting complaints lately about keeping the website updated, so I thought I’d take a looky. Sure enough, my last letter was December 2003! I should be ashamed of myself. Boy, time’s fly is down when you’re having fun I guess. And I found out, even when you’re not having fun too.

It’s been a remarkable year so far. So much shit has happened. First, both of my cds were re-issued and put back into the stores. The cool thing is that my man, Carl Caprioglio, the president of Oglio Records in LA (my new label) suggested we put a couple bonus tracks on each cd to spice them up a bit and make them more special. On “I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies!”, I added “Diana”, my touching tribute to the late Princess, and “The Ten Second National Anthem”, my special arrangement for those US patriots who are in a hurry. Two great additions.

And on “Ol’ Blue Balls Is Back!”, two brand new cuts. The first, the “Assbasing Public Service Announcement”, is my way of giving something back to the society that supports me and my music. I wanted to educate kids of all ages and alert them to the dangers of lighting their farts. It’s a gripping admonishment. The explosion scene will give you goosebumps. You won’t put a match anywhere near your ass after hearing this one. The second addition, “Tell Me Why”, is a song that was supposed to be on “Ol’ Blue Balls” originally, but it was cut because none of the higher ups at the time thought it was funny. I think it’s funny because it is based on a true story. True, it’s rude, crude and insensitive, but it’s real. You can’t make this shit up.

We wrapped up filming “Johnny Slade’s Greatest Hits” in May and have been working on the songs for the movie and Babe is creating the score. It’s a very funny and entertaining film. John Fiore is super in it in the title role. Vincent Curatola and Richard Portnow are very convincing. It should be out next summer. It features me in my first acting role. As far as I can tell, I didn’t suck. I play myself and I needle and harass Johnny Slade throughout the movie. Near the end, I get the shit kicked out of me by three Italian tough guys. It was fun.

Shortly after that, Mike “Mr. Bogus” McMahon approached me and Babe with a new song idea that seemed to mirror the times. After Janet Jackson had the wardrobe malfunction, Michael Powell and the FCC put the screws to Howard Stern and anyone else who dared to mutter anything so-called offensive. So my new song, “I Can’t Say These Things” was born. Babe, Art Sandcrafts, Mike and I put our heads together and created a song that touches the nerve of any free minded American. And I’m not talking about the nerve between your legs. I’m talking the nerve in your head that dictates and supports free speech. Well, Stern started playing it and ultimately it was banned on his show. But the song had legs. Many more morning shows adopted it, including Greg Hill at WAAF in Boston who started his Mantown program each morning with it. If you go to howardstern.com, you can hear it and see an animation by Michael Narren, of me singing as Howard, in drag, slow dances with Michael Powell. It’s pretty funny. Only it doesn’t end there. I just found out that “I Can’t Say These Things”, is a qualified entry for Song Of The Year in the 47th Annual Grammy Awards. I am not shitting you. So if you or someone you know is a voting member of the Recording Academy, please urge them to vote for my song. The song is also available at the iTunes Store as a download, both bleeped and unbleeped. Also at coolcds.com.

2004 has also brought tragedy into my life. My fifteen year marriage to my future ex-wife, Sophelia Peters has come to an end. That’s right, the beautiful woman who came up with the album title, “I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies!” finally gave up on me. Something about me, that I’ll never grow up, or something like that. Yeah, it’s been tough. I moved out and took one of the toy poodles with me. A woman friend of mine said that the little dog must be a chick magnet. I told her anyone who sees me walking the dog down the street thinks I’m a homo. Oh well.

I also had a fucking heart attack on my birthday July 11. That sucked a big dick. I was bullshit. A big strapping man like me, at the gym five or six days a week, on the South Beach Diet, losing 15 pounds. Who would have thunk? But it’s true. I had a constricted artery and had four stents put in. (Johnson & Johnson) I like to say I had hardening of the main artery, if you know what I mean. The doctors say I’m in better shape than ever before. I believe it. I also think that the artery they repaired was the main feeder for the main artery downstairs, if you know what I’m saying. I’m getting good flow to the main organ. It’s great. The only thing is, I’m the only one that knows about it.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it so far for 2004. What else will happen to me before the end of the year is anyone’s guess. I hope it’s good though. I hope to perform more in the coming months. If anyone wants to hire me for any gigs, just drop me a line. I’m ready and willing.

And one last thing. Congratulations to the Boston red Sox and their fans all over the world! They have done something that is so important…they have made millions of people happy! And that’s something I certainly admire. Being a resident of Massachusetts and a sports fan - having two World Champion sports teams at once is wicked, wicked pissa and gives me a tingling sensation deep in my shorts. And I send all my best to our guys and gals in uniform around the globe and in outer space.

 

Keep stroking it!

Red

 

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