Letter To Fans March 2003

My Fellow Redheads

It's still very cold up here in Maine on my sprawling hamster ranch. Production was good this year. Ever since I landed that contract supplying the pelts for use in making fur coats to the major doll companies, business has been swift. I think we processed more than three million hamsters this past holiday season alone. Believe me, that's a lot of hamsters. We even generated enough electricity from their turning hamster wheels (and processing their manure), to light up this year's holiday display out front, plus heat the ranch hands' shack. They swear the little buggers are tasty too (kind of like soft shell crab), but I wouldn't know. I'm on a strict meat and potatoes diet. Plus, I don't work the ranch. I guess you could call me a gentleman rancher.

Do me a favor, next time you're playing with dolls, bend back the collar of the fur piece and look closely. Most likely you'll see the name "Peters Pelts - Made In USA" stamped on the label. It's been a lucrative business investment for me outside my music life. My grand-dad once told me, if I go into show business, I'd better have something I could fall back on, so I chose hampster ranching. And I bet those New Christy Hamsters busting my balls on my Christmas song, "Holy Shit, It's Christmas!" didn't help in my decision... much. I wanted to seek revenge, I guess. But, it's a very satisfying activity just the same.

What's In Store For 2003?

I still find it hard getting up in the morning, but usually after taking care of myself, I'm ready to face the day. Spring is right around the corner and my batteries are all charged up. I'm anxious to get in front of an audience again. I figure since most of my lawsuits are all but settled, the days of being a holdout have just about come to an end. I'm pretty sure it's ok if I say we've been brainstorming a new album. My producer, Babe Marino is lining up an orchestra that will feature an international cast of musical superstars. From Pakistan we'll have Ranmahan Downergash returning on horn. And from Venezuala, harpist Juana Swalamaloda is returning and from Serbia, clarinetist, Ivana Chokonacok just to name a few. And there's a lot of new names signing on to the project. Wait until you meet them!

I wish I could reveal some of the titles, but that would give it away. I mean, this shit takes time. This is a finely honed craft. This is art. It takes painstaking care, torturous dedication and, of course, a sick mind. But let's face it, if it was easy, everybody would be doing it. Hey, wait a minute, everyone is doing it!!!

But, it's gonna be really good. Shit your pants material. I promise.

Another Place To Find My Music!

I have some good news about a new place where you can buy my cds. Last year we recalled my catalog from all the stores over a $$ dispute, and the only places you could buy them after that were a few scattered retail outlets, amazon.com and redpeters.com. Well, we've added another super outlet. The other day I was surfing the internet and came across (so to speak) an unbelievable comedy resource. It's called Laugh.com. If you want to have a good time and you enjoy listening to all the great comedians, old and new, then this is the place you want to spend some time at. George Carlin is a main force in the operation and Marshall Berle (yes, Milton's nephew) runs the show. It's packed with classic comedy recordings, including me, Red Peters! If you go there, tell 'em Red sent you. I highly rectumend it.

Keep your eye out for my upcoming touring and gigging information. I'm sending all my suits out to the dry cleaners and ironing all my sox and underpants in preparation for my coming out. I've hired a trainer, bought a plastic, air tight poly-sweatsuit and I'm on ephedra. A winning combination! I'm dying to see the results!

So until we meet in person, just remember my advice. "Don't do it. Just jerk off."

If you keep this in mind, everything should be alright.

Keep stroking it.

 

Red Peters

 

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